Dude, like, sometimes when you wake up at 12, and you kinda just stumble out the door on your way to work, just stumblin’ sometimes ain’t good enough. Ohio’s tough. Bro, when there’s snow on the ground, your Chuck Taylors just ain’t gonna cut it. How do I know that? I know because I know. I learned it the hard way. Take it from me. There aren’t many things you wanna learn the hard way, and believe me, this ain’t one of them.

Ok, I’d like to keep writing like that, but it’s really hurting my natural writing sensibilities. So it’s going to be more normal from here on out. Sorry.

One day recently, when it was pretty snowy outside, I awoke from my slumber, well, sort of awoke. It was already later than I wanted to wake up (not going to say what time, too embarrassing), so I ate breakfast, took a shower, threw on the pair of shoes closest to me at the time (my Chucks) and stumbled out the door. I realized almost immediately I had made a mistake. But even though my feet were cold and getting wet, I didn’t feel like going back inside and changing into some heavier shoes. I’d have to change my socks anyway, entirely too much effort at that point.

As a male, I would really like to get my shoe collection down to as few pairs as possible. If I could just wear the same pair of shoes every day, it would make life so much less complicated, as well as more comfortable. But living in Ohio makes this difficult. We have seasons here. Seasons with varying precipitation.

So I have a few pairs of shoes I switch between: sandals, heavier shoes for winter and the Chucks. I have some nicer shoes for when I have to dress all fancy, but these days, that only seems to occur about once a year. I’d love it if I could wear sandals all the time, but I don’t live in California, so that’s not a possibility. I don’t really like to truck around in boots, but they do keep me nice and dry when it’s snowy out (like it has been since late November). So, I typically opt for Mr. Taylor whenever possible.

But in snow, Chuck Taylors do not perform well. First of all, unlike Aretha Franklin, Chuck Taylors have no sole. So no walkin’ in a winter wonderland. When you step into the snow in Chucks, you sink. If it’s ice, you’re okay for now, but if it’s the white fluffy stuff, you’re screwed. Not only do your shoes get covered in snow, it usually goes up a couple inches onto your pant legs. That sucks! Not only are your feet wet, but now your pants are too.

The other major problem is that Chucks have holes in the sides for aeration. Your feet are sunk into the snow. Guess who’s coming inside uninvited! So the snow goes all the way to your feet. It doesn’t even care about the sock, it just goes all the way through. So now you’re walking around with soggy feet all day. Not comfy.

Most people won’t have to worry about this next problem, but I have the low top Chucks. Yeah, yeah, tell me it’s my own fault, and make fun of me because the low tops are garbage. I find them less restricting than the hi-tops, okay? But the problem here is the snow rolls right over into your shoes. Your feet are already wet because of the holes in the side, but now it’s a pincer attack. They’re being bombarded with snow from two sides. That’s just unfair. They never had a chance.

Finally, since the shoes put you so low to the ground, the laces can tend to drag. If there’s salt on the ground to prevent ice, your laces get covered in it. They get all crunchy (eww). The only positive here is that they’ll likely be covered in snow shortly, which will wash the salt off. If that doesn’t happen though, when you take off your shoes, the laces will be stiff and nasty, just gross.

Though now that I think about it, my shoes didn’t perform all that well when I went to Ireland and it was all rainy. Water is going to get in as long as there’s any sort of precipitation. They’re not exactly the most comfortable things to hike around in either. You don’t get much support. Like I said, they’re the yang to Stevie Wonder’s yin … they lack sole, brotha!

They also got all nasty when I played frisbee golf in the mud. Okay, I didn’t know it was muddy until I got a few holes in, and by that point, who’s going to turn back. The shoes are hard to clean, since they’re made of canvas. Not that you can really do anything athletic in them anyway.

They are stylish though. In a retro way. That might not appeal to some people though. You’re not going to impress people wearing them. It’s common knowledge they’re about the cheapest well-known shoes you can find.

The only reason I wear them is because they’re basically sandals, just with more material and a bit warmer. They’re light. It’s as if I’m not even wearing shoes.

And personally, I like the way they look, okay? I don’t even care that I don’t have the hi-tops. They’re more comfortable to me, and I have sensitive ankles from playing drums. Speaking of which, they’re perfect for drumming since they’re so light. I consider it the perfect drumming shoe.

I don’t care what you say. And I don’t care what logic dictates. Maybe I would be better off with sneakers, like Sketchers, since they offer more support. Maybe I should find something that’s more durable. Or maybe you should just lay off my shoes. Get off my back man, I don’t need this from you. Oh wait, I’m the only one talking here. Never mind that, I’m sorry. I’m just passionate about my shoes.

And I should be passionate about my shoes. I’m happy with them. I will wear them until they wear out (which might be next week). I will wear them whenever I can. Just not in the snow.

Bro.